I spent my whole young life in school fighting the stigma of nerd-dom. I don't think the term had yet been coined, but I know I would have been the perennial poster-boy. My hair was un-trainable and I carried my baby fat with me for 15 years, each year hoping that as the fall sessions began, I would be magically transformed into a jock. For me, it didn't happen. Although I had a fair-sized circle of friends, I was the "nerd" that the predatory "cool guys" threatened, extorted and generally considered as being indefensible, partly due to my overweight stature and my smaller size. The "survival of the fittest" in it's basic animal form and being at the bottom of the food chain is painful and disillusioning. This social phenomenon can leave emotional scarring, feelings of isolation, questions of self-worth and a host of negative things. I felt it.....in conversation with my wife, she felt it and I suspect it is more common than we imagine. I have talked to many of my classmates in recent years, whom I would have labeled as "cool" back in the day, and even they have experienced it!
Over the years, I have come to recognize the fragility of the adolescent psyche. Raw jungle mentality is the rule rather than the exception and I now see that most of my peers suffered from the same feelings of inadequacy that I did. An ongoing social assault was a way of life in school on the basis of “the best defense is a good offense”. I suppose there were a few that were able to endure this without incident but most of the alums I've talked with were surprisingly uncomfortable in their own skin. To complicate matters, we were all charged with getting an education at the same time. Kind of puts the difficulty curve in perspective when you consider the intended purpose of education.
Required
reading in high school was William Golding's 1955 book, “Lord of
the Flies”, focusing on this very subject, going
a step further into sustenance survival and governance. I wasn't
much of a reader in school and did present a lot of embellished book reports
based upon the content of those
book
jackets. But this
particular book caught my attention and I actually
read it.
The author had laid out in basic terms, the same scenario that was
going on all around me....I just didn't connect the dots at the time.
We all get up each morning and look in the mirror. Many
of us don't like what we see, but there is something unexplainable
in the
image
before us that is redeeming. For some perhaps it is hope....for
some, faith, and maybe for some, it's just potential. Survival
requires that everyone has to like something
about that image and in a predatory social structure, it can be very
hard to define, especially in adolescence.
For me, the sun came out in my senior year. All the baby fat fell off, I became more self-confident and knew I could protect myself against those thugs. My social life began to turn around and soon, I would be dating pretty girls. I viewed myself differently. My new posture and feeling of self-worth was uplifting. I was more outgoing and able to confront social situations without feeling ill-at-ease. After all those years of being the fat guy, the weakling, the wallflower, and all the things I had perceived of myself in this competitive race to nowhere, I was suddenly free.
What
I learned in life and from that book (it may have been the only book
I ever read in school) is that subconsciously I had allowed the “Lord
of the Flies” to steal my dignity! At one time, as a small child,
I viewed
myself as
a valuable human being, but that image
had been lost somewhere in the system. Now, I had finally reclaimed
this precious component that had always been mine. The superficiality
of losing my baby fat, and becoming physically competent gave me the
emotional strength I needed to stand tall. From time to time, during
my life I have had to revisit that powerful well of self examination
during rough emotional seas. Losses are a part of life and social
environment is not necessarily fair. Stay true to that image in the
mirror, be honest in your assessments and require minimum standards
of yourself. I've learned that you will achieve a greater degree of
happiness and inevitably, you will kick the winning field goal.
Another great writing by Dave! As a great friend during that time I never saw you as the weakling. Maybe I was in the same boat.
ReplyDeleteDear Anon: Back in the day, there was a coffee mug for sale at the Northport 5 & 10 which read: "We grow too soon oldt and too late schmart". It took many years to understand the wisdom in those words. Back in the tender years, I had allowed others to steal my dignity and much life would elapse before I realized that I was more worthy than I had perceived myself. It is true that aging is not for sissies, but the most difficult segment for me was from the cradle to adulthood.
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